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The Nostril Picker (DVD)

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    2 Reviews
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      02.06.2006 19:51
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      the transvestite chase is pure filmmaking genious

      the minute you see this product you know its something special and the second it starts it realy hits you. the scene is set with the heroic figure of 'joe' leaning against a tree. he sees a young girl emerge and like any decent 40 year old man would he follows her and tries to grab her. this girl is clearly insane and has no taste as she doesnt take kindly to joe trying to grab her. then an idiotic policeman gives our hero a warning for following girls cant he see joes a babe magnet. straight after he bumps into a physcotic tramp who teaches him some kind of dance to change him into a girl. joe later performs this ritual and much to our surprise it works :D

      when this has happened you can guess what he does, like any pedophile with intelligence he enrols a high scool in search of young pussy. he befreinds a group of girls and then rapes and kills them what a nice guy. in the first truly awesome scene he goes round to his freinds who is babysitting and then of course changes into his male form so he can put his penis into her. he emerges into the living room sporting that sexy smile of his and then chops her fingers off and rapes her (with a knife). her freinds are obviously this and their crying is a primary example of this films terrific acting.

      the best bit of this great film is the chasing of a transvestite with a squirty dildo this is when we can see our hero truly has lost his sanity. what a shame he had so much potential in his life.

      when the police figure him out towards the end we see one final dramatic high speed chase when the fat cop guy runs after him into a parking lot and appears to have killed joe :(
      but never fear joe killed the policeman and then killed his daughter which is the climax of a truly great oscar winning movie :D

      please make sure you buy this film you dont know how much greatness your missing out on :D

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        13.02.2006 00:49
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        Picking your nose would be more fun than this dirge!

        Joe Bukowski is a loser. As he wanders along the streets, dressed like a bum, he can’t help harassing young women in short skirts. He seems harmless enough, but when the police catch up with him, they threaten him with arrest unless he leaves the poor women alone. Alone, dejected and somewhat frustrated, he happens across a rather eccentric old tramp one afternoon who stops him in the street to make him an amazing offer. Recognising Joe’s obsession with women, the tramp tells him that he can give him an ancient incantation that he will enable him to change his appearance at will. If Joe can take on the form of a pretty young woman himself, think of the possibilities it will offer him to finally get close to the local teenagers?

        Although he is reluctant to accept the plausibility of the offer, given that the tramp only wants a swig of scotch in exchange for the information, Joe can see no reason to accept. Later that night, he wanders into the park and finds a secluded spot where, feeling rather silly, he completes the incantation and then waits to see what happens. Sure enough, when Joe looks in the mirror, it is not his face that he sees, but the face of a pretty blonde teenager. He then wanders off to the local high school where he spies a group of teenaged girls playing tennis. Standing by the fence, he is unable to stop himself loitering, but unlike the usual torrent of abuse that he would receive, one of the girls instead approaches him and asks his name – because all that she can see is a rather harmless looking young girl. The incantation has worked and Joe can finally leer and attach himself to all the young girls without arousing any suspicion.

        But it’s not quite enough. Joe’s passion for girls is matched only by his passion for murder. And so, despite the fact that he has only just got himself a host of new friends, he sets about brutally slaughtering them….

        Oh dear god. What a dreadful film. I only have myself to blame. Could a horror film called “The Nostril Picker” ever actually be any good? I’m not sure about you but the premise of a grown man extricating boogers from his snozzer doesn’t exactly terrify me and it was really only through morbid curiosity that I actually rented this movie. That and the fact that I could ask people if they’d ever seen a film called The Nostril Picker, purely to see the look on their faces.

        It’s a dreadful film, in every way imaginable. Despite the fact that it was made and released in 1993, it dates terribly and feels like some cheap 1980s high school drama. The picture quality is questionable and the sound quality is dire, such that trying to watch the film is quite a technical ordeal, even before you’ve even started to consider things like the plot, the performances and the effects.

        In spite of the title, the fact that Joe Bukowski picks his nose is largely irrelevant. Indeed, we only see him actually doing it a mere handful of times. Furthermore, when he does do it, it has nothing to do with anything he subsequently does (i.e. stabbing people to death) and quite what the nasal reference has to do with anything, I was never quite sure. Rest assured that if you are expecting to be grossed out with green, stringy mucus shots then you needn’t worry.

        Far more relevant to the story is that Bukowski is a complete lunatic, for reasons that aren’t initially very clear. His character is a complete loser, but the descent from nuisance to psychopath is clumsily and implausibly managed. Why would somebody who craves the company of young women and who is apparently sexually motivated then be driven into murdering them when he finally gets his way? It makes no sense at all and to make matters worse, a clumsy piece of back history eventually gets introduced to try and go some way to explaining why Joe is quite the way he is. It doesn’t fit well and quite simply makes the whole thing even more ludicrous than it already was. In films of this nature, killers are generally motivated by psychopathic lunacy or by sexual frustration. The combination of the two simply doesn’t work.

        When the killing does start, it is ridiculously managed by the director. On an apparent budget of £12.50, the director’s ability to do much is severely hampered and it’s largely one sequence of stab, slash and gush after another. The first murder is probably the most inventive, but when will film directors stop trying to suggest that by brandishing a small knife with the blade the size of a postage stamp, a would-be killer can slice off people’s digits with a single swipe? It happens to Joe’s first victim and, even more laughably, there is a ridiculous sequence of the unfortunate girl lying prostrate on the floor, with five bloody stumps on her hand twitching in an awkward, mechanical manner. The director tries to make the murders more horrific than they are by using the cast’s horrified discussions afterwards to describe what has happened (“They say that somebody ate her insides!”) We see none of this – the budget simply wouldn’t allow it – and the deaths are all very formulaic. (The brutality does, however, justify the 18 certificate.)

        Given the fact that Joe has developed the ability to shape-change, you would expect any subsequent police investigation to be extremely difficult. This is mitigated in two ways. Firstly, the tramp that passes on the incantation warns Joe of a circumstance when his secret could be revealed – so you’re just waiting for that to happen. And then, when all else fails, the tramp gets involved again, completely uncharacteristically. The plot simply grows weaker and weaker with every passing second of running time and the chances that you will stick with this until the end are slim at best.

        Testament to the acting skills of the cast is the fact that of the first five characters listed on the Internet Movie Database, The Nostril Picker was the first and last credited acting experience that any of them held. The actress who plays Joe’s female alter ego (Jo – clever eh?) worked prior to the Nostril Picker but never again thereafter. The director – Patrick J Matthews – never directed again. The writer never wrote again. These, at least, are small mercies. The cast is consistently dreadful, unable to act for toffee and most of them appear to be struggling to remember their lines, let alone act with any conviction. Carl Zschering (Joe) is probably the most convincing of the bunch, but that is merely a reflection on the fact that he looks like a pervert rather than any acting ability. The absolute worst of the bunch is a transvestite prostitute played by Steven Andrews who has to be seen to be believed – he is truly awful. Had I been on the set, I would probably have stabbed him in the neck myself if Joe hadn’t beaten me to it.

        Bizarrely enough, in spite of my unconditional dislike of the finished product, I actually thought that the idea behind The Nostril Picker could have worked quite well. The shape changing idea was not implausible (within the genre, obviously) and a more accomplished director could have made a far more disturbing product, occasional hints of which peered through the Nostril Picker’s grimy exterior. The final twist is satisfying, if not rather predictable, but the film’s greatest burden is probably that ridiculous title, made all the more pointless by the fact that nasal nastiness really has nothing to do with the film.

        Nonetheless, it only remains to say “what a load of crap!”

        Avoid like the plague.

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